I love when I find a song that speaks to my current situation.

Katie was a little girl who said "I'll find a way".
Katie was a little girl who said "it'll be ok".
Till one day she found a little bit of something she used to drown.
She said "I'm alive and I am free, but you see I have control over me."

But will you draw the line?
Turn a blind eye to all the faces that you know?
And she said, "go".

Katie was a little girl who never found the way.
Katie was a little girl who never was ok.
Cause one day she found a little bit of something she used to drown.
She said "I'm alive and I am free, but you see I have control over me."

But will you draw the line?
Turn a blind eye to all the faces that you know?
And she said, "go".

She said "I'm alive and I am free, but you see I have control over me"...

But will you draw the line?
Turn a blind eye to all the faces that you know?
And she said, "go".

And she said... "go".

I started my big girl job. It's good. The people I work with are really fun and the atmosphere is great. I don't see myself getting bored with it so that's definitely a plus. Not sure where things stand in any other aspect of my life. I'm still working at New Balance on the weekends. Which means I don't get a day off. It's not too bad but I hate that I'm working all the damn time and have nothing to show for it.

My mom is pretty sick. My dad hasn't worked in awhile so she's really stressed out. Stress is not good for MS.

Boys blow. Enough said.

Thankfully I have some of the best friends a girl could ask for and I couldn't have made it through this transition back to Atlanta if I didn't have them. I've also managed to reconnect with a lot of people so that's exciting too.

Here's to looking forward....

I should have known something was wrong when I didn't post about my engagement. So much has changed in such a short period of time it's hard for me to keep up with things. But here goes....I decided to leave school at the end of the semester and I broke up with Patrick. No, not just the engagement, the whole relationship. I hadn't been happy for a long time and I decided it was time to do something about it. I really needed some space and time to myself to figure out what was right for me. Patrick gave me an ultimatum of now or never, so I chose never. Of course, he came back the next day wanting to get back together and willing to give me my space, but the damage was already done. And I knew after making the decision that it was the right thing to do because I felt a massive weight lifted off of me. He's a wonderful person and will make someone very happy some day. But I don't think that person is me. I don't think anyone will ever love me like he did or treat me like he did, but I know it's just not the right time. I have entirely too much shit floating around in my head to commit to someone like he wanted right now. Yes, we still live together. He doesn't have anywhere to go right now. Which is making the break up even worse. Originally I thought I just needed some time, but he kept pressuring me and pushing me every time I walked through the door about everything that I felt even more smothered than I did before I broke things off. And that was it for me. I just couldn't do it.

I feel awful. He moved up here to be with me. He doesn't know anyone here. But I just couldn't take care of both of us anymore. I need to be by myself right now and eventually with someone who understands my craziness. My hang ups about death, my need to move around a lot and someone that can stand alone without me if they need to. Patrick is a great person, but he really needed me to help him and do things for him. And I know most of you are thinking, "well that's what a relationship is about." But after everything I've gone through in the past few years, I really just need someone who can take care of themselves and doesn't take my shit. I'm sure his friends and family are pissed at me for hurting him so badly, but all I can say is at least this happened now instead of five years from now when we had to get a divorce. Marriage is forever in my book and I'd much rather hurt now then for the rest of my life.

As far as school goes, I'm finishing the semester, but I'm going to do nursing school or medical school next. Audiology hasn't been for me since day one. I probably should have quit after my first year, but I didn't want to be the girl who dropped out of grad school. It wasn't too hard, I was making straight A's. But I couldn't see myself getting up every morning for the next 60 years and going to work as an Audiologist. It served it's purpose. I needed to get out of Atlanta. I needed to stand alone. I needed to get out of my self pity after Billy's death. I needed a goal, something to work towards that distracted me from the other crap I was too focused on. And it really has helped with all of those things. I'm much better than I was, I'm in a better place mentally, but it's time to move on to what I really want to do. It's time to get back to my life.

Not sure where I'm headed next....but look here for the answers if you'd like.

Wow it's been a long time since I've posted on here. But don't worry, I read everyone else's journals on a daily basis!

Nothing much to report. Finals week is here and I'm scared out of my mind. I have not fully prepared myself for this hell and I'm way too tired to stay up and cram it all in. We'll see what happens.

Things with Patrick are wonderful. We live together way better than we live apart. Which is surprising since we're both very stubborn and like things the way we like them. Of course, we have arguments here and there, but for the most part it's a lot of love and things that will make you gag, so I won't mention them.

I feel like I'm really separated from all of my friends back home. I never really get a chance to talk to anyone and I certainly haven't been home that much since I started working every freakin weekend. So....for anyone out there who reads this, "Let's stay together."

That is all...

Oh wait, I'm coming home Dec 21st!!!!

I hate the nights when I take my meds and try to get in bed early but if backfires. I went to sleep at 8:30 tonight and I've been up since 12:30. My eyes are so heavy I can barely keep them open but I feel so nauseous when I close my eyes that I can't stand it. Blah...and I should be studying if I'm going to be awake. Blows...

Patrick is here. And it is great. We've had a few minor arguments but who doesn't. It's weird. I think being away from each other for a year makes it easier for us to get over each other's annoying habits because we are grateful to have any time together. Layla is making herself at home in front of the sliding glass door. She loves to watch everything that's going on and always falls asleep there. She's sweet.

School is almost over for the summer. But I only get a week and 2 days off before fall starts. WTF. That's so shitty. I hate most of the people in my class now. It's seriously gotten out of control. They had to call an ambulance because one girl is having panic attacks. Get over it! It's audiology school, not med school. It drives me nuts that they are so dramatic about stupid shit. I made a girl cry because I called her an over achiever. Are you serious? Is that the worst thing anyone has ever said to you? Wow. Her life must be rough.

But at least I have patrick here now to keep me away from the crazies. There are a few that I'm good with and thank God for that. I'm just planning on keeping my distance til 2009 when I get to move back home and get away from all this bullshit.

Other than that, my life is boring. Working at New Balance and going to school. Blah.

One last thing....I'm going to see if I can get my PhD while I'm working on my AuD. What else have I got to do?

So my dad got laid off. Awesome. Rent, bills, tuition. I only budgeted for 12 months with my loan money from last fall. So I have about 85 bucks left to pay everything in August. Not exactly sure how that's gonna work out. I'm just hoping something happens for my dad before August 1st or I'm gonna be in a lot of trouble.

My visit home was nice. Spent some time with Patrick and my parents. Never saw Lauren. Hung out with Sarah for all of 30 minutes and never heard from her again. And only got to see James for a few hours. Things are really changing. Not that I didn't expect them to, but wow.

School is getting ready to wrap up for the summer, only 3 more weeks before finals. And they will fly by because I've got a tone of stuff due and 2 tests.

3 semesters down, 5 more to go!

I've been trying to be more positive lately. I think having a job outside of school is helping. They keep my mind of it and aren't so intense about stupid shit. The past week and a half haven't been too bad and at least now I am in Atlanta spending time with the people I care about.

But....then we go and get shat on again. My dad got laid off. Seriously? Why do some people get slapped around so much and other just coast thru life like nothing ever happens. When Patrick wasn't immediately accepted into grad school his mom said to my mom, "We're just not use to disappointment." WTF! Who says that to someone whose dealt with so much in life. Ya, that's the thing about life. Some people get it easy and some don't. I guess my family was earmarked for crap long ago.

Maybe I shouldn't have kids so the cycle will be stopped. Or maybe I should adopt instead of playing Russian Roulette with the pundt square (Lauren's suggestion).

No sure what's going to happen next on the dad front. Last time it took 3 years for him to get another job because of where he was at in the company and now he's even older than before. Ageism is a horrible but very real thing. So I'm gonna try not to worry. Good luck with that.

Patrick still hasn't found a job in memphis. So I'm getting nervous about him moving up in August without one. We can't survive without it, especially if my dad doesn't have a job. I have to pay the other half of my tuition not paid by my scholarship. Yikes, okay I'm getting nervous so I won't talk about it anymore.

I'm going to try to update more. And not just on the bad days!

The semester is over and it's all about to start again. I've been working on the weekends at NB and hanging out during the week. Heidi went to the Ozarks bug hunting (don't ask) so I've been dogsitting Dante too. It's been really nice to have a dog to come home to since Lydia moved out. And I'm moving into my new apartment the 30th so I'll definitely be alone then. It's really sad. I've always enjoyed living by myself but that was in Atlanta when I had friends and family to hang out with all the time. Now it's just me, but I guess I'm getting old so it's time to get use to it.

This semester was much better than last. I wasn't so sad all the time and I managed to bring my GPA up. All A's. Well one A-. But that really helped my GPA and I think it showed my professors and supervisors that I don't suck at audiology. It's hard to be in such a small program and small profession because everyone is constantly evaluating your performance and making bets on if you'll make it. And they all have friends who work in the field and I'm sure the students come up in constant conversation. There are now only 11 of us in my year because some dropped out. I wonder how many more of us will make it to graduation day. Only 1 year and eleven months til I can come home.

Other than that, I'm just trying to relax and enjoy what's left of my break.

Congrats to Jamie on Graduating!!! Time to be a big girl. Have fun, it blows!

So last night I was watching depressing tv about little kids dying of cancer and today the world is changed again. How in the world did someone shoot up the dorm and no one bothered to cancel classes until they found the gunman. Wow, just goes to show you that higher education isn't always in it's right mind. It's so sad that the stigma placed on mental disease is so great that people go on and on without ever receiving help. Mental diseases are a scary business. Depression can really do a number on your day to day actions and your body. After Billy died and I was diagnosed with Stan, they sent me to multiple doctors who wouldn't listen to anything I was saying once they read my chart because they figured everything I was experiencing was related to depression from the loss of my brother. A-holes! I really do feel like that whole year afterward I was in a deep dark hole of depression and it took a lot to get me out of it, but I think that my mind played a major role in getting me out of it. The mind is in complete control of the body, you can really do a number on yourself if you let it happen. I had to literally tell myself everyday after the year anniversary that I had to move on, I had to get out of bed, I had to start living again or it would never happen. And slowly but surely I came out of it. But what would have happened if I hadn't started working on it everyday. Little by little? I'd probably be working some job that I didn't care about, drinking at night and sleeping all day. Depression and mental disease runs in my family. I feel like the plague of depression is always nipping at my heels. But it's something you have to work on and talk about and get help for if necessary. And there are people who suffer more than others. It's so sad there are so many support groups and foundations for every other disease but mental ones. People are too afraid to come out and say they have a problem. So they go untreated and then things like today take place. I've heard so many times today, "Who in their right mind (insert action here)?" Well...that's exactly the problem. People with these problems aren't in their right mind. It's nothing to be ashamed of because most of the world suffers from some underlying issue. Girls obsessed with their weight, guys who have to work out all the time, people who are OCD about everything. Mental disease manifests itself in many ways.

So next time you stop to call someone crazy, (we all do it), think that maybe they just need someone to notice them. Maybe they just need someone to tell them it's okay to ask for help. If I didn't have the friends I have who let me talk whenever I wanted about Billy, even if they were sick of hearing it. Who knows where I'd be now.